For most of my life, I was a high performer. I rowed at an elite and national level, became a director in a multibillion-dollar energy company, and built my own tech startup to over $1 million in annual revenue, backed by Matt Bellamy, lead singer of Muse. I stayed in peak physical shape and prided myself on discipline, resilience, and relentless self-improvement.

 

But here’s what I didn’t realise at the time, I was chasing all of it to feel like I was enough. To feel worthy. To prove myself. I thought I was striving for excellence, but in truth, I was striving to feel whole. And the more I achieved, the more disconnected I became, from myself, from what mattered, and from any real sense of peace.

 

I hadn’t yet asked the most important questions. Who am I beneath the titles, achievements, and image? What do I truly value? My authentic self was buried under layers of performance and societal expectation. And slowly, silently, I began to fall apart.

 

Anxiety crept in. Panic attacks struck without warning, strange, considering I believed I had a “strong mind.” But strength built on fear and validation isn’t real strength. Depression followed, alongside a growing sense of isolation and numbness.

 

I lived in a constant state of “when I get there, then I’ll be happy.” My mind was stuck in the past, what I should have done, or racing ahead to the future, what I still needed to fix. I was never present. Never at peace. And to escape it all, I leaned into pleasure, parties, women and distractions as a temporary escape which spiralled into regret and self loathing. 

 

There were nights in London when I’d walk for hours alone in the cold, screaming inside. I felt lost. Hopeless. One night after returning from a weekend away, I stepped into my apartment and felt an overwhelming urge to scream, to break free. I walked to the gym in the middle of the night and started doing squats until I collapsed from exhaustion.

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A week later, I boarded a one-way flight to Thailand. And never looked back.

 

What followed was a 9-month transformation that cracked me open. I cried myself to sleep many nights, grieving the version of me I left behind, the life, the identity, the people I once clung to. I threw myself into intense physical training, meditation, stoicism, silent retreats, Zen Buddhism, jungle hikes, and sobriety. I stripped everything back and started again, building new values, new habits, a new environment, and a new community. I reinvented my entire life from the ground up at 41 years old.

 

And through it all, I finally found the peace I was always searching for, not through more doing, but through being. I let go of the mask. I reconnected with nature. I found clarity. Purpose. Freedom. 

 

Today, I live a life that is deeply aligned, full of gratitude, calm, and meaning. Not because everything is perfect, but because I’m finally living as the man I was meant to be. 

 

Now, I help other men do the same, to break free, to design and build a life that is truly authentic, fulfilling, peaceful and joyful. 

 

You CAN change your life. And if something in your heart is calling you to, then you MUST.